Dr Shelley – Sexologist

Is cheating really cheating? Are you a cheater? Or are you a cheetah? Or maybe a cougar?

I love my writing retreat in the Swiss Alps, high above the world. Remote, beautiful, quiet, peaceful. The rain pitter patters against the window pane above my head, music of the angels plays behind me. There is so much light. I am surrounded by love, harmony, nature. I have just come back from a walk in the rain. The intention was to bring breakfast in bed to a Swiss guy who lives at the end of the track. He wasn’t there. I was tempted to sneak under his covers like Goldi Locks and wait for him to return but instead left two kirsch (schnapps) filled chocolates on his pillow. I continued walking in the rain… reflecting…

Recently a girlfriend texted me totally distraught as she found out her boyfriend had been cheating on her. So she ended her relationship with him, and kicked him out. Devastated. Her text inspired me to think about this subject this morning. Why do people “cheat” – or rather – why do people feel the need to explore elsewhere? Is it innate? Is it simply in our nature to want to go out and hunt? Does the hunt necessarily mean the hunter wants to spend the rest of his life with what s/he is hunting? Or simply enjoy the thrill of the hunt and want to bring back the excitement to share with the one s/he shares his/her hearth with?

On my walk I was inspired to reflect on my own relationships, what turns my lovers on, and to think about the concept of “cheating” – what does “cheating” really mean? Why would a partner want to be with someone else? What is it that the other person offers them? And why the negative connotation of “cheating?” Why not a realization that it is basically impossible for one person to provide for all the needs of the other. Sure… on some or most levels… but every one of us has fantasies and desires that keep us young and alive. To squash those fantasies and desires is to deny ourselves the opportunity to live life to the fullest and to continue to experience, learn and grow.

For me, it is fascinating to really look deep in to what turns the person I am with on. I encourage you to look deeply at what turns your partner(s) on too. How can I help inspire my partner to feel young, vibrant, happy and alive? Sure… nourishment of the body through good, healthy food, accompanied occasionally by some naughty treats like chocolate; emotionally by tuning in to their needs to feel loved and wanted, to touch them and assure them they are the love of my life and with them, sexually, I feel fulfilled and adore them; actively I plan fun adventures and trips to do things we love together, like adventurous trips away; heart-wise I make sure to spend quality time cuddling and just “being” together, feeling each other, holding each other… either while watching TV or a movie, or just lying in bed listening to the rain on the roof.

With one of my special lovers, communicating about life and telling him naughty stories of my sexual escapades really turns him on, so I make sure to have plenty of real life material and experiences I can draw upon to woo him with my voice and seduce his brain with visuals… and then to make love and connect energetically and expand in to the universe is such a pleasure. I love it. He loves it. We love it. He is a Gemini and quite “heady” so hence one way to get him out of his head but still be in another part of his mind – the fantasy part – is via my stories. The more real and more recent, the better. I suppose it also appeals to another part of his psyche that his lover is desirable to others as well, and perhaps a deep down tiny fear that he is not enough, that I need more, that to truly be satisfied I, too, need variety and the hunt. Which is true I suppose. What feeds his soul and mind, also feeds mine. He is my impetus and reason to venture out. His encouragement and positive response gives me the drive to grant myself permission and a purpose for going out “hunting.” And as in any hunt, the success of the hunt can be very satisfying!

I don’t like to have to hunt too hard though! To be honest… I like it when someone responds to my advances willingly and is not afraid to go for it. That, to me, is a turn on. If I make the effort, as a woman, to show my interest, it feeds me to have positive feedback and follow through.

My lover likes the hunt too. But he likes a challenge. He likes there to be some connection first. For the person to be a little resistant at first. To be new to these feelings. To feel challenged. So for him, the hunt often involves a lot of texting. To and fro. A build up. The longer the better. But it consumes him. And once he succeeds in his hunt it is not long till he has his full and enjoys the after-glow, then wants to go hunting again…

I met a man recently who is an actual hunter. He loves to hunt. He physically gets out there with a gun and travels to far off countries to hunt large animals, including elephants. I know some people are shocked that people still want to hunt and kill an animal like an elephant. But I can sort of understand the psyche of it. He likes to hunt all types of animals but the rarer, more expensive and endangered, the more of an appeal that animal has for him. And he keeps trophies – their heads or tusks, skins or teeth. From what I can tell, sexually, this guy is the same. He likes all types of girls and enjoys the hunt, but the harder to get, more expensive, rare ones are his true passion.

Perhaps our innate soul needs the hunt to feel fulfilled on some primordial level? So if we see it simply as a part of human nature to want to hunt, then really cheating is not really cheating after all, it is simply the desire to hunt.

I feel it is still good to question and discuss what is it about that particular person or experience that thrills and excites and learn more about your lover by their exploits and what turns them on. Or maybe it is simply the hunt itself that makes the hunter feel whole?

Perhaps it is not necessary to end the relationship completely but rather understand the deeper reason for the hunt and the deeper desire to go hunting. Some people prefer to be the hunter and some people like to be hunted…

Are you the hunter? Or do you like to be hunted – to know you are wanted, desired and have someone chase after you, to bring you gifts, to seduce you with wine and food, with dancing, and entertainment? Perhaps you want that person to run you a bubble bath, to massage you with oil, and seduce you to orgasmic bliss? And then to show their appreciation… either with words or gifts, including gifts of money.

Or does it make you feel the opposite? Does it make you want to run away, to be free. Not to be captured, contained, killed and eaten, your bones disposed of, your head stuffed and put up on the wall?

I like to be hunted! I like the feeling of being “taken.” But at the same time I like to turn the hunt from being hunted to becoming the hunter too. Once you think you have “got me” then I like to “get you!” Strange? Perhaps… but that is just me… I like to feel wanted, desired, but then I like to take advantage of my situation and enjoy the mutual cannibalism and the after-glow of complete satisfaction…. Hard to find but so yummy when you do.

Perhaps we all have the hunter and the desire to feel hunted within us. Like the ebb and flow of the ocean at the water’s edge, or the joy in the variety of rain followed by sun… To always have sun can get a little monotonous, to always have rain, a little depressing… Like a flower needs both sun and rain to blossom and reach its full potential, perhaps we do too.

So rather than see your partner’s sexual exploration as a threat, see it as an innate and natural desire and look to your own innate desires and seek self fulfilment too. What makes you feel wanted? Desired? What makes you juicy, alive? What makes you feel satisfied and whole?

So is it really cheating or just hunting?
And are you the hunter or hunted or both?
Are you a cheater or really just a cheetah?

Take your life experiences and learn from them. Use them as a reason to go deeper in your relationships – to yourself and others…

Explore being the hunter and the hunted. Being the cheetah and/or the prey…

Dr. Shelley