Recently I did a podcast on How to Be a Better Gent, focusing on single men and men in open relationships and how to enhance their “game” and be better lovers. Fascinating discussion! Here are some of my notes and suggestions I shared…
My focus as a sexologist is to start with the premise that you are already an awesome lover but there are ways to enhance what you do and make it even better. My intro was “Keys to having a joyful sexual life, including developing skills, enhancing libido, connecting more deeply with the ones you love, and how to take your love-making to the next level.”
Compliments – are a sure-fired way to “get in the door” – practice complimenting a female on her appearance, her energy, her eyes… And it works for guys (a woman’s partner) too. If her partner is there you can also compliment him directly on his look, what he’s wearing, his gorgeous lady…
The host of the podcast shared stories on practicing this skill in daily life – at Starbucks, in a supermarket… and we also discussed trial and error and the ability to reassess our actions and what worked/what didn’t, then take some time to think about what a “better” response or action could be for future interactions.
As a race car driver, I shared the importance of taking time before a race, to visualize the track and the race itself. Like many professional sports people, before a big Game they take time to meditate/go within and visualize their experience. This is something I highly recommend in life. If you know you have a date, or will be attending an event, take some time to visualize what you would like to happen. Think about possible scenarios… what you would say to someone in a social setting that would make them feel comfortable and feel great about interacting with you.
Gratitude – thank the person for allowing you to join them and spend time with them. Be on time if you have a date. Follow up with a thank you note. Don’t send incessant texts but occasional messages to show you are thinking of her/them.
Focused attention – if you are talking to a person don’t let yourself get distracted by another sexy beast walking by!
Reading energy – Choose your moment to interact if you are at a party/event. If someone has been left alone and looks a little uncomfortable then head on over and make some conversation. Body language says a lot so be aware if someone just isn’t into you! And when making love be aware of the person’s responses, encourage them to tell you what they like. Change things up…
Sharing energy – beyond the pussy! When making love, the vagina could be seen as an entry point but you are penetrating the woman’s heart and soul too. When orgasming, send that energy through her whole body and beyond. I love the idea that through sex and orgasms we can make this world a better place. Being conscious of the power of love/orgasms, helps you shift the focus away from the physical and into an experience that benefits not only the people involved but also our communities and world.
A rather crass saying is, “Lick it before you stick it” – oral pleasuring is a great way to start things off. Extra spit is good for natural lubrication!! Also, by taking time to check out your partner’s sexual organs you can see whether your attention creates the desired response, you can make sure the person is clean and ready for action!
Another little saying I often share is “Smell before you eat!” There’s a reason our nose is above our mouth! If you don’t like the odor of the person you are with you could encourage some erotic shower play, saying that you love to feel clean (women like that!).
Be prepared! Carry condoms (latex/non-latex), different lubes (some women are super sensitive to lubes so make sure you ask before you apply any).
Get regular STD tests and have it available so you can show a woman/couple.
Carry a good quality massage oil (MCT oil is very neutral) and offer to give a massage.
Keep your nails short and smooth.
Gifts – take some flowers if you are going to visit a woman/couple, or a bottle of wine…
Ask if there is anything you can do for her/them – an act of service…
If you are setting the scene for a meet up choose some sensual music for the background.
Even guys can dress up for a date! Buy yourself some sexy knickers!
Many women love a heart connection so looking in the eyes, connecting the lips, breathing together heart-to-heart is a good start.
There are many supplements you can take to increase your libido and hardness. Explore them. If you are going to a party maybe take a blue pill – nothing more frustrating for a woman or a guy if they can’t get it up. But if you can’t – make light of it, use your other skills, and simply say something like “they have a mind of their own – nothing to do with you.”
When you do orgasm – orgasm BIG! Like a Lion! Let her and everyone else hear it! Then don’t pull out immediately. Push it a bit more. Leave it in there so she can feel you throbbing. Take your time withdrawing. And don’t take off immediately. Maybe get her a nice warm cloth. If appropriate ask to cuddle her for a minute so she can feel your heart racing…
Dr Shelley – available as a sex guide, travel companion, host for events/workshops.